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Sometimes I hate having schizophrenia, I don't think I do have it, its just a label, and it has changed my life, but really before, was it that good? I have no friends, my only so-called friend just likes to do drugs, and play music, and not even my kind of music, and its just because we are both kind people, but really today I was with him and he just brings me down, and associates me with things I don't like so, I'm done with that. I might have to give up weed. Thats when I do realize I have schizophrenia, going back into my life, I don't want to deal with stress, and stuff, and I don't trust my parents, government, because I see it happening all the time, there are forces against me, people judge you for how you look and try to define you, then I act against that, against stereotypes but opposite action actually feeds into it, and its just a dumb standard, I never wanted to admit it, but I think it is discrimination. Sad, but true, oh well, people try, I guess, to those who try to make this world better, those with open minds, those who are so hard to meet at first, but are good people, I shout out to you, and wish you the best, but maybe the truth is we are different, the way that I have leads me to places, basically I end up getting yelled at by religions, I live near a church, and try to become active in the  community but I have no similar interests to the people here, so what can I do? Sometimes I think my parents are crazy, and they have caused this, just so much about race, I think maybe I myself caused it. I don't know where to begin now, sometimes I think life has no meaning, I just write about it, and the writing sweeps me away, because its what I trust beyond anything, it always does whats true, and you too Flo, you understand, but no one else does, they say oh its different you must be wanted praise, no thats not it, its just so many miscommunications, I'm just someone who wishes the world was different, I call to the fairies sometimes, hoping they would sweep me away to a better place, though I know as well I should be thankful for what I have, and I am, but maybe I shouldn't have a girlfriend, I mean, Flo is my true love, and O is not her, but she is someone like that, she is a priestess of Wanti, I know this, but it is silent, I should remember this, remember that she is good, and we all try, behind the words and customs society puts through us, and tradition puts through us, for no reason really, there is in some of us a vital spark thats alive and in her it also speaks to me, and it says hello, mu mu mu, shall we, of course

the stars open up and we roam about, we live our lives, she brings me down to earth, what is it that I do? I rave, in a culture that represses raving, the true raving, free from the heart, free whirling, ecstatic dance, saying what you want, letting others speak, not judging any of it, seeing how it all adds to the big pizza that is life, and you know my friends add in their own way, but I am a shaman, I am caught between worlds, caught between my compassion for these people, and their seeming innocence, and also my own need for space and to act out, dance, and be joyous, and talk about fairies and the stars and the gods and meditate and do strange things, just because you can. I'm tired of waiting around, doing things that aren't me, I'm tired of being told to sit down and just go with the system, I want to get up and do my thing, praise the Pomo, spontaneously, play great music, grow my own food, live a free life, its possible, but I'm a shaman, I'm also caught up in others assumptions and the general spirit, its a bad spirit that goes around and it associates me with it, its blatant as the sun, and heavy as a ton, and it drags itself around, and tries to reflect you, maybe its the fairies, it pretends its you, it says things are one way, or another, and laughs when you follow the bait and go that way, and its relentless, why am I tortured so I wonder? Fairies, I want to learn about you, that you would simply show yourselves, I do not know what I do that causes you to act like this, but I would stop if I only knew. I've gone around and I feel probably I am understood, but even my friends treat me like a guess, it all seems scripted, but you are the one, free and true, with the words of freedom, that come through each time, its just the best of you, don't think its not you, don't let yourself fall under the wave of repression calling itself non duality, be inspired, ra ra rah. I know all the stories of all the songs, or so I think, all of them ask to be built up, to be taken to the edge, but again and again, society asks for its sacrifices, speaking of fears, I give love there, and only love, as much as I can, and realize I myself am reflected in it, I let it come through me, just like a tree lets itself be cut and made into timber, why do we let it happen? Imagine what all the things where before they were shaped, before they were bound, even between me and O this happens, why?

do I deserve to be in this place? Or was I placed here? I don't have a true conception of the world I guess, from the home it all goes into patterns, speaking not understand, people don't seem to really be there, it just seems to be a great spirit and upon it, spring the communications, I try to grasp them, but I only get the most blatant thing in my mind, maybe its that I myself assume, but can anyone truly be that aware and clairvoyant, who can stir a place in the right way, what is this dance, this expression, Great Spirit, dance like that, I just hope you can hear, stop this senseless wave of actions that must happen, why must I go here and there? Its so boring, no one understands me, I can't be performing all of the time, my heart is sensitive, in some places, I am misunderstood, the idea of a performance of just waiting for someone to join in, but I hesitate to even write performing a happening, but what can I say, the winds blow the trees are evenly branched at and I let go of it.

I am one with everyone, I chose a path, out of non duality, I did it one way, then the other, sometimes non dualists study duality, because it is the same, so bring on duality, peace, love, unity, and respect, this has become what I do, I'm a phrase maker, I understand if no one likes me, blame your own hypocritical life, and what it does to the original nature, the original face, my only hope is in zen and in wanti, and not in preaching, but in speaking in conversation, to someone who really listens, and knows the way, these people aren't full of themselves, they just seem really good, oh there they are, maybe I'll say, maybe. But I wish someone would speak on this, and reply I know I will get a response from the universe.

trying to do the right thing – aisha

its just people don't understand, i'm learning how to walk again, bad stuff happened, i didn't even really get a therapist or anything, I met someone who made me feel better, but theres still days when its wierd, and that person is busy a lot.

I thought they could be around times when I was sad, and we could have adventures, but they don't understand, I thought they could help me when my parents or things started freaking me out, when voices got wierd, when bad vibes started happening, but they can't they have a life too, they don't want to get married and do that…

so i'm just here, with no one .. flo is like "I love you, lets not play this stupid game anymore, she could be a spy or anything."

but at the same time, I love her, its not a game, Flo, you are me!

You're me, you're just the fairy version, the one people can't see,

you're a wizard.. or something… why do i have this life.. nothing will help me i guess

and nothing is ever going to be able to explain

everyone just wants to yell at me ultimately, or say sad stories… i just want to love god, i want to live a real life.. on my own..

i am your other half but it doesnt mean i cant teach ya a thing or two

first of all razors are yellow and they would never cut you miss

because you are like Adawapayo, you never will be felled, though the try, we all know they do

to cloud your mind, why? they are idiots, some of them, they can see the trees, but they don't know the differences in the leaves, the bark, they don't know the feelings of the roots, sometimes you don't either

you walk by in a daze, you've been different for a while why did you get like that and how? I don't know, maybe its something they did to you, but you've got to be strong, remember us fae are with you, and we want the best for you

we'll give you signs along the way, and show you were you might be getting led astray

and try and offer solutions, but we're not perfect, we'll try though, just be yourself aisha! that is the best way, chaotic neutral, you seem to be.. and thats great, live is for living, it will never reveal itself all in one moment, well once it did do that, to an old farmer named Annany but that was long ago, and well, if it did happen again, i'de sure wet my whistle, wouldn't you?

it is just that you're shy you know? you're a interesting fellow, you don't fit in but the music moves ya, and know you know, its a bit more than just music, thats for sure, a shame, when the purity comes back to it, you know we faery kind will be there too, at least in some cases… i mean music is good

and outside, you know, is it so bad? sure its a long walk, many people are out but no one ever bothers anyone else, and thats something beautiful in itself, I love our quiet little escapades, however they may, seem, the utter randomness of it, yeah we've all had our fallings in with Eris, that strange and marvelous being, and well, you know

but i bet people do appreciate but they themselves don't know how to express, thats always where we fairies come in, we can translate, not saying we're the best.. not saying itll be absolutely correct hehe

but you're heart is so great, and thats all you need, your heart, our hearts have brought us here and it will continue to steer us to the right direction, in ways that baffle most everyone, including us sometimes right?

Look, our dance is crazy, it goes by many names, its the dragons, its the angels, its the bornapocheli, what the heck, i'm an aquarian nun in a forest fire, thats saying hello to coincidence

the gods thank you for your efforts, now gon' lil mama